The Gift of Time

Christmas 2018

TW: Grief, loss, lack of holiday cheer

I truly cannot believe it is December. I can't believe it.

This time last year, my family and I were not our typical cheery selves around the holidays. The people who typically were full of cheer and bustling from place to place were a bit isolated. We spent every day sitting bedside at the Bloomington Hospital with my dad. He ended up passing away in January 2022. He was 48.

I am not ready to write about that yet.

What I do want to write about is Christmas.

Growing up, Christmas was my absolute favorite. From waking up early to see what Santa brought to going to my grandparents' in the evening to spend time with everyone, I always looked forward to the holidays.

Today, I don't know. I really don't.

Grief is so weird. It is so so so weird. If you haven't experienced it, consider yourself incredibly lucky. If you haven't experienced it, be aware this holiday season.

If you have experienced it, I am so sorry. If you have experienced it, I am sorry for whatever you might have dealt with when people didn't know what to say or do.

Back to Christmas.

Looking back, I don't remember a lot of the tangible gifts that I got. I remember getting the quintessential 2006 Christmas gift - the pink Motorola Razr flip phone. I remember getting a laptop before I started college.

Beyond that, I couldn't tell you much of what I opened on Christmas morning.

Here is what I do remember:

1. Wrapping Christmas gifts with my dad at midnight on Christmas Eve. My dad almost always consulted me about Christmas gifts for my mom. Because of this, I almost always ended up helping him wrap her presents. Sometimes this was because the gifts were hidden in my room. Either way, I always remember being so excited to see my mom's face on Christmas morning because I knew that my dad had worked so hard to get her something. My mom never ever asked for anything, but my dad always wanted to give her something nice because she always knew what to get my dad.

2. STILL recording our reactions on Christmas morning. Yes, my mom still set up a camcorder on Christmas morning when my brother and I were in our 20's. We always rolled our eyes before going into the family room to give my parents the most over the top reaction. WOW SANTA WAS HERE. OMG. SANTA. As silly as we might have thought it was, I am so glad we have those memories in tangible form now. Hearing my dad's laughter and witty retort in the background will be something I always cherish.

3. The gifts that led to memories. My parents never asked for a Christmas list. They didn't want my brother and I to have expectations for what we would get for Christmas. Sure we could put a bug in their ear and say this is something that we liked, but they knew us well enough to get us something. My favorite gifts were gifts that led to memories. In 2009, we were told on Christmas morning we would go on a spring break cruise. In 2016, we were told on Christmas morning that we were going to go to the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert in Memphis and staying at Graceland. In 2018, we were told on Christmas morning that we were going to Las Vegas for spring break. I remember all of those because they were the best gifts.

Las Vegas & Grand Canyon Trip: Christmas gift 2018

Today, I see a lot of holiday stress. People worried about what they will get their loved ones. People angry about various things and not wanting to spend time with their family. People who want to get their kids the right gift and concerned about how they will react. People unsure of how the holidays will look this year for various reasons.

If I can offer a bit of advice knowing what I know now, the best gift that you can give people is your time and attention. While I know that not everyone has the budget for the gift of a trip, there are plenty of ways to show people you care. Give them your listening ear. Make them something sentimental. Get them something that will set up time for you to spend together in the future. A concert ticket. A park pass. A gift card to your favorite store so you can shop there together. A meal at their favorite restaurant so you can get together. Experience something together.

Your child, brother, sister, mother, father, aunt, uncle, cousin or grandparent isn't going to remember that shirt that you got them. They will remember how they felt on the holiday in your presence.

The last text my dad ever sent me was two weeks before Christmas asking me to go pick out a necklace for my mom. On Christmas morning, my family gathered in his hospital room to open gifts. And that is the last memory I have of Christmas with my dad. I don't remember what I got last year. I remember how that was still a happy day considering how hard it all was. I remember sitting in his room while my brother and fiancé wore hats just like his because that is what my brother bought everyone. I remember how I got Dad fidget spinners and little toys like that because I wanted him to have something to do while he was recovering.

This Christmas, I don't know how I will be. I might be seemingly okay. I might not get out of bed. I really cannot predict what life will look like that day. If you know someone who has lost someone this holiday season, know that they might be like this, too. It doesn't matter if it was this year, last year or 20 years ago, the holidays might not be the best for them. Don't tell them that their loved one would want them to be happy and that they should do what they always did. Because what they always did was spend time with that person. It just isn't the same anymore. I am hoping to feel my dad with me on the holidays, but it just isn't the same as wrapping gifts with him or challenging him to St. Elmo's shrimp cocktail sauce on Christmas Eve. We miss him so much.

Christmas with Dad

I cannot tell you enough how important it is to not worry about the holidays. Provide an open door to people. Let love in. Be kind to one another. Always tell people you love them. Because honestly, that is what Christmas is all about.